11/9

So I just realized that today is my ex-wedding anniversary. Its an odd day for me each year – I really look forward to forgetting this date – but I'm not sure I ever will. It is etched pretty deep.

It doesn't bring pain, nor happiness – its just another day really, just a day that reminds me of what I once thought was a good idea...

It shines an interesting light on decisions I am making in the present tense that I feel are also right and good.

It's basically a big fucking beacon that says - “you were wrong then, jackass. what makes you thing you are right now?”

I know in my head that thats bullshit thinking, but its tricky to argue with the logic, I am too smart to know any better.

In my head, I know that the past is just that, the past. It doesn't have to frame the present. I spend a good deal of time reminding myself of that fact. Hopefully that isn't time well wasted.

In the real world, though, it is THE major thing that attacks my confidence. It DOES frame my reality to some extent. I have been so very wrong before – and this silly box on the calendar serves to remind me of just how serious the consequences are when I misjudge at that level. It serves to remind me that there is no such thing as a trivial choice. In a way November 11th means more now then it did when I was still married. It stands no longer for an eternal union. It stands no longer for love, commitment, joy... It stands as a grave marker to my decision-making. There are times when I believe what it has to say about me, even though everything I am cries out for it to be wrong. My actions often argue with me on this.

Anyway, happy anniversary to me is in order – raise a glass if you have one, I am sitting this toast out.