He Shoots! He Scores?

This week I did something that was surprisingly difficult for me. I dared to write down my goals. Before anyone gets too close to vomiting at that statement, I am not talking about career goals or some sort of Dr. Phil inspired body makeover. I am referring to the things that I have held so close to my heart that until today I haven't even felt comfortable putting them to paper – as if the act of recording them would cause some cosmic force to take a look and yell “No way you can have that!”

Well, I suspect that would have been less likely to have been said by a voice from the cosmos as it would have been my own self-depreciating ego. Either way, I sat down and made myself say out loud the things I have not said, and gave a name to my desires. I understand that to most, this might not seem like such an accomplishment – I mean its not exactly rocket science to say what you want right? But its taken me a long time to get to this point; mostly because I have looked at it all wrong. I understood having dreams, but goals were a mystery to me. I could see who I wanted to be, but the path forward was filled with choices that I consistently seemed to get wrong. Then a few days ago I read this quote in a book I am reading - “The only way to make the right decision is to know what the wrong decision is”. As much as I trust that things happen in their own time, I really wish I had learned this simple truth years ago.

Anyway, today I recorded my goals. It felt good. I read them back to myself and the steps forward started to get clearer, not easier, but clearer. I keep them next to something that was sent to me a short time ago that I use as an example of how to identify the wrong decision, and as a reminder fo the man I no longer want to be. My goals are my own, but maybe this will apply to someone else as well -

“Distraction by what doesn't matter
+focus on your emotional triggers
+no action on what counts
= your life”

Changes only happen when we go against everything we're used to doing

“Change. But start slowly, because direction is more important than speed”

“Life does not play with marked cards. Winning or losing is part of it”

-Paulo Coelho




Its been a heck of a year thus far, 2010 has pretty much been all about choices. Not just making them, but taking responsibility for them and dealing with the consequences both good and bad. An added bonus has been learning NOT to do this with the choices of others... Historically this has been a less than stellar area for me – The harder I tried to “do the right thing” the further from my goal I got. Once a situation started to get sideways, I would make every effort to fix it, inevitably causing more damage than repair. I spent a lot of time listening to the voice in my head tell me I needed to work harder. To change. To bear down and push through whatever was happening. It soon gets to the point where a hail-mary pass is the only option for success. For the record, this is not a sustainable model.

Before this all starts to seem too bleak, I will say this – my life was far from all bad. In fact, in a lot of ways, it was going better than it had in a long long time. The real issue with not addressing a problem at its root is that you risk having it become a part of a new foundation. In other words, the old bad shit can really fuck with the new good shit if it isn't dealt with, and when you finally start addressing those old choices you run the risk of uprooting things that you would much rather leave intact. Emotional/Relational Chemotherapy – kill off most everything and hope the good stuff was strong enough to survive.

If I were to push the analogy too far (which I typically do...) I would like to think that round one is done.
Verdict is still out as to if I will need another or not, but things are looking ok so far.


**I was recently introduced to the work of Paulo Coelho ( @paulocoelho ) – introduced might be a strong word; I saw a retweet of one of his quotes in I believe Portuguese from a friend and twitter's translation tool did the rest. I highly recommend you check it out. ( and by you I mean the one person who accidentally stumbles onto this blog in the year 2027 )

Happy

"I woke up this morning with a smile on my face,
and a great big hard on for the whole human race.
I love everybody and I want you to know,
got the world by the balls and I won't let it go.
And I don't give a damn if they take me away
Cause I'm so fucking happy
(He's so fucking happy)
I'm so godamn happy today"
- Randy Newman