Papillon

a·lone
adj.
1. Being apart from others; solitary.
2. Being without anyone or anything else; only.
3. Considered separately from all others of the same class.
4. Being without equal; unique.
adv.
1. Without others: sang alone while the choir listened.
2. Without help: carried the suitcases alone.
3. Exclusively; only: The burden of proof rests on the prosecution alone.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.


“Alone” is one of those words… We all use it; it has too many applications to be truly avoided. Even though its usage is commonplace, its invocation has not lost its impact. Nobody wants to be the one left alone. It conjures up different images in each of us… none more real than the other; weather it is the first day at a new school as a kid, or the overwhelming isolation that a room full of people provides. The very essence of who we are longs for a sense of belonging, and given enough time it will find it….. Regardless of what that entails.

So I suppose I am curious what that will look like for me. Right now I am occupying myself with logistics and pretty much avoiding the emotional side of things. Today was a great example of this; my wife and I had about a 30 minute conversation about the separation timeline, who gets what and when I move out. I realized afterward that I really felt nothing about it… and with that came the knowledge of just how intense this is going to be when I finally allow myself to process. But that is a pain for another day, and before I feel that, I will get to define exactly what it means for me to be alone.

The Ballad of R.E. Hannegan

There’s no point in holding on
Nothing gained in this backward game
Lock your heart, take it back
Forget the power in a name

There are no answers here
Questions flow like bitter tears
A hermit’s tune drifts through the hills
Knowledge held in a forgotten song

Memory creeps in a sliver of light
Casting shadows on the mind’s eye
Siren’s cry rattling the vanilla sky
Reality calling her children home tonight

Stop asking why
Stop saying please
Stop making promises you won’t keep
Open your eyes boy, you forgot to breathe.

..........

The great thing about an anonymous blog is that you can pretty much say whatever the hell you want. It can be a beautiful thing, rather cathartic really. There are times you just have to say something that you really don’t want people to be asking questions about; things that you need to actually communicate in order to even begin to believe they are real; kind of like pinching yourself in a dream.

For me, this is one of those times, as I was informed yesterday that I am about to be divorced. “Divorced” Wow, now there is a serious word… rather grown up really. Reality may be a slow mover, but when she gains momentum the impact can be quite impressive….

I will be the first to admit, I am no picnic to be with. If you have been following along on my little journey here you should have realized that fact by now. I honestly hold no grudge toward her, in a way I am a bit surprised that it has taken this long. I have always had it in the back of my head, nagging away; I am far to “quirky” of a person not to cause friction. I just didn’t think it would be now, not here, not like this. I always imagined fighting to save it, refusing to go quietly…

But here I am; 33 and looking at apartments and lawyers; wondering what is next.

Anyone have a map I can borrow? All I see are errors and omissions when I attempt to plot a course here.

Ill fitted skin does a poor wardrobe make.

The other day I was talking with a very good friend of mine, and they asked me a question that sort of stopped me in my tracks; mostly due to my answer and the fact even after I have spent a few days thinking it over, I still have the same answer.

The Question - “have you ever felt like you were truly happy?”

My answer was “no”, and it was a bit sobering to hear it. Now, before you think my real world name is Morrissey, allow me to explain that I have indeed experienced happiness. I defiantly have things that make me feel happy, and I am extremely blessed to have people I love and that love me in my life, it just isn’t a state of mind that is sustained. I really don’t want to come off as another disenfranchised gen-x-er in all this, I really don’t feel like I have any unique reason to be unhappy… I actually live a pretty enviable life for the most part.

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines “happy” in the following manner:
Adjective - enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment

There is an interesting concept – “contentment”, There is an emotion I really haven’t felt; other than on rare occasions. As I think about it now, it may be one of the only things in life I that makes me feel guilty; as screwed up as that is. I really haven’t been able to find the root cause of that; it has just always been there, gnawing away at my resolve, driving my self doubt to new heights. It fuels my defenses; it tells me I am not worthy....And more often than not, I listen.

In all of this thought process in these last days I have done something I generally leave out of my blogs, I actually reached a conclusion, as trite as it sounds… I want to be happy. I want to feel that comfort that comes from being at peace with yourself. I want my skin to “fit". Defiantly lofty goals to be made in a hotel lobby. We shall see where it goes.

Anywhere

How do I keep missing you when you’re everywhere?
Your breath inches from my face as I blankly stare;
I look everywhere...
But you’re right here.

Your scent on the breeze
Your hands over me
Whisper in the trees
………Everywhere
…And I’m right here.

Putting on miles without getting closer,
Burning up time just to watch it smolder.
Seasons ask why they get older;
Heroes fail as the critics get bolder
…But you’re still here

There was a time that I shared this space
Comfortable in this skin, the sun on my face
Darkness creeps in at a persistent pace
Denial serves fantasy’s plan to our disgrace
… But you’re still here