Marcellus Wallace wasn't alright either

You work hard to let go of the need to be in control. You learn to forgive. You empty out all the ego from your life that you can. After some time, you even start to feel comfortable in your skin. The tears stop, as does the fantasizing about disaster – by all accounts you are doing pretty well. Things are better than alright.

Then there are days like today, when I just don't want to have to hold everything together myself.

I see parents with their children and it tears my heart out that I haven't so much as spoken to my own for but a few minutes in the last month. I want to be angry. I want justice. I remind myself that it will get better but my words ring hollow.

I want to talk and have nothing to say all at the same time, and no one to listen either way.

I start to write you, and my words leave me.

I want to cover myself in your warmth, but I am alone here, and so it is what it is.

I am not depressed – I do not cry. This pain is my own, I embrace it, observe it. I let myself feel it wash through me. There was a time when I would have held onto it, but no longer. My heart is open and it will find no handhold in me. Tomorrow will be another day and this ache will be gone, but today...

Today I am allowing to continue to at least partially suck.

Mama said to.

I am wrapped in peace and love and all manner of goodness, but rest assured, should the need arise I would still knock a motherfucker out.

I see no conflict in this. In fact, I may well be the most balanced I have ever been.

On a Sunday Morning Sidewalk

Ah, a rare quiet Sunday morning. There are plenty of things I really should be doing, but instead I find myself laying in bed wandering in thought.

I friend of mine recently wrote this -

"And, actually, even though it doesn't make a lot of sense, I find
that when I'm around more people, I feel more lonely than when I'm
more by myself or just with a few people." - SPV

I have started and stopped writing a blog post several times in these past weeks around the topic of loneliness, and when I read her words It actually did make a great deal of sense to me. Lately I have been experiencing a pretty intense experience to the people and environment around me. I am much more aware of them collectively, meaning their hearts,pain,joy... whatever. It's a hard thing to explain; and honestly I feel no need to explain it; but it is there. I am still at a stage where it is difficult to process all the raw data that comes with seeing into a group of people like that, I really am not sure it would ever not be that way to be honest. The strangest thing about it is that you simultaneously feel extremely connected to and yet isolated from those around you. There are no barriers, you see the essence of who and what they are. The mystery disappears, the illusion of newness is gone, the “clean slate of a stranger” shattered.

When you are with those you connect with, it is an amazing experience – when you are surrounded by those who are not, it leaves you about as isolated as you can get. This isn't really a bad thing; I am learning that there is a purpose to these times of isolation. It is then that I remember that I am loved, both by myself and others, and those bonds anchor me.