words with friends

To those who know me, its no mystery that I like to talk. It's how I process.

(Hell, if you read this blog, it's most likely no shock to you either.)

Knowing this about myself makes this next truth difficult to swallow -

There comes a point when words are mostly useless.

Actions still count, for the most part. So I guess there is that.

Now, I don't want to seem bleak – I don't feel that things are bleak at all. Life is movement, it ebbs and flows, winding it's way along until we all reach wherever we are supposed to go. This isn't an endorsement of pre-destiny, our actions are our own. We choose every day whom we will be and what we will become. The consequences of our actions follow us downstream long after our realization of their success or failure has been revealed to us – often showing up long after the fact; much like lost luggage. Perhaps baggage is a better term. In the same way, our corrections often times aren't apparent without the passage of time. As an added twist they tend to overlap.

All we can do is keep moving, keep trying to make better choices, eventually the cache will clear.

Or it won't.

Either way, we will know where and what we are – what we appear to be will take care of itself.

Outer Body ptDeux

When I first started this blog I honestly had no idea what I was doing, or why. (proof that some things never change) I knew that I was starting out on a leg of my personal journey that I needed to talk about and this seemed like a good outlet. It has served me well in that regard, there are things I have said in here long before I had the courage to speak them aloud or an available ear to listen. What has absolutely astonished me is that there have been others benefit from it, every now and then one of them contact me and it is pretty amazing to hear their perspective on what they have read – they aren't always positive, but they are great to receive.

Anyhoo – in my last post, “Outer Body”, I talked a bit about reclaiming the pieces of ourselves that we have given away or lost. I got a message a bit after posting it; asking:

“When you talked about reclaiming..how do you know when it's time?”

To over-simplify it, it is time when you notice something missing. It's important (although sometimes difficult) to remember that the other person hasn't taken anything from you, you gave it to them. They haven't wronged you – in fact it may well be quite the opposite. That is why I think the more important thing than the time, is the intent... It is hard to think of “reclaiming” something without attaching an air of finality to the act. In my perspective, this is not necessarily the case. While attaining closure can certainly be a motive for this sort of thing ( it defiantly was in some of the cases for me), it can also be looked at simply as a “reset”. In other words, if you decide to sever ties or close that door you can, but merely reclaiming the parts of yourself is not the same thing. Just like anything in life, it is the choices we make as we go along that determine that outcome. To maintain wholeness requires resolve. If you don't have it, manufacture some – takes a bit for it to take hold, but it works just the same.

Outer Body

Generally when I get the urge to write here it is centered around my own
need to process through something or other. Tonight feels a bit different,
as I am just going to describe an experience I had this week that has been
pretty life-changing for me. I have omitted some names and such - it seemed

like the right thing to do.

This is not the type of thing I generally share, but here goes -

I sat on my bed, cross-legged eyes closed, palms up... instantly I felt
as if my arms and upper body were being lifted, similar to the
sensation of floating through a very thick fluid. Then the weight was
pulled out of me, It felt as if a body was pulled from my body. This
happened two or three times. I stayed with it, in my mind I kept asking

“Come to me, reveal yourself.”

Things started to get a bit hazy and then a picture started to form in my mind.

I reached out my physical hand and in my minds eye saw her laying,

naked, on her bed. My hand passed into her chest and pulled a hand full
of, something, from her, clenching it tightly I drew it back towards my
mouth. When my hand got near my lips I opened it and inhaled deeply,
I could it filling me, as if the parts of myself I had left with her were returning
into me.

(If you have seen "The Green Mile", it was similar to the manifestation

that John Coffey experiences when he uses his gift.)

This happened twice more. In my minds eye it seemed that she
noticed something missing but was not sure what had happened. The
fourth time I reached out I saw another laying there, and although
it required much effort I also retrieved something from her and inhaled
it in the same manner. One final time I reached out and removed a
piece of myself from yet another person. The appearance of this last one

surprised me a bit.

After I consumed the last bit, I sat a moment and realized now that I
needed to remove the things from myself that I had been using to fill the
spaces that had been vacant. First I reached towards my heart, and in
my minds eye I saw that there was bitterness towards my the second person there.
I forced my hand inside my chest and pulled it slowly from myself. I
then saw her laying there again and almost returned it to her, but
then realized that I needed only to blow it out of my hand as one
would blow ashes off of their palm. I did this and she faded form
view. I next reached behind my head and “grabbed” the top of my spinal
cord/brain stem and pulled it up and away from me. When I did this I
saw the first, still laying on her bed, but with back arched and head
thrown back. When I had pulled this from myself I opened my hand and
blew on it as well., watching as she settled back onto her matress. When I first
“removed” this, my head fell to one side and it seemed like I lost all control of
my upper body – what seemed like a few minutes passed before I was able to
move my head and neck again. Next my hands moved and seemed to pull something
from my lower back and legs, I also blew on my palms after this and felt it
dissipate.

After this was over I sat on the bed feeling like I was awash in
the same thick fluid – I was breathing very deeply and slowly,
letting it wash over me. It felt very soothing, and very filling.

After a short time came out of this, and felt very strongly to
write this down, so here I am...

Anyway, curious as always to your thoughts... I feel like I am buzzing right
now, in a good way. I kind of always do after I have these
experiences, now that I am back in my head and all rolled out, that
was unexpected and pretty intense. They have been happening with increasing regularity
lately - things are changing at a pretty rapid rate these days.

I am a pretty strong believer that when we are with someone, we give that person a

piece of ourselves, just as they do to us. We are generally all aware that in order

for us to maintain wholeness we need to reclaim these pieces when the time comes.

What some of us don;t seem to realize is that if we do not do this, we are no longer

fully ourselves. We remain bound to them - and we are not able to offer ourselves

completely to another. We can try - we can even believe that we are - but sooner or later

things start to wither. Sooner or later these bonds surface, and rarely does it go well.