I went to a wedding today.
A simple, small affair, but beautifully done.
Before the bridal procession, they played a short video… one of those “here are a bunch of photos of or lives set to music” sorts of things; always a feel good moment. Everybody loves baby pictures, and baby pictures set to Robert Goulet? Fuggedaboudit.
Of course, far be it from me to simply sit there and enjoy the moment. No, I instead decide to try and figure out what it is that is so alluring about this sort of thing… in the end, for me at least, it all came back to memories. We sit there watching photographs from the life of someone we barely know flash across the screen and at a base level we want those memories to be ours. Well, we want the fantasy that we associate with them….
After all, there are no bad memories in those photos…. right?
Sunday, August 24
Friday, August 22
September Grass
Autumn is my favorite season. Most people find solace in spring, but I am constantly amazed at autumn's ability to make things new. There is nothing quite like feeling summer’s last sunburn meeting the cool of a September night, and realizing that change has ambushed you again. Relationships change, relationships end.....It’s when we move on.
Which, by the way, I suck at.
I swear, I am blind to signs that most people can see coming all the way across town. I rock at relationships beginning... Maybe that isn't odd at all; could be that as time goes on I just stop believing the bs I tell myself, that attachment isn't inevitable, that I won't get involved - the problem is I just can't do those things halfway. At least it serves as a good reminder to just how personal hurt can be. Sooner or later the realization hits; this feeling must have been the goal in the first place... If not, why repeat the cycle? Why not make this time the last time?
Like the poet said: "time may change me, but I can't change time". She is a cruel companion, as relentless as love, as unforgiving as a lover scorned... We are supposed to learn her lessons, to grow, evolve. I was supposed to be better at this by now.
Which, by the way, I suck at.
I swear, I am blind to signs that most people can see coming all the way across town. I rock at relationships beginning... Maybe that isn't odd at all; could be that as time goes on I just stop believing the bs I tell myself, that attachment isn't inevitable, that I won't get involved - the problem is I just can't do those things halfway. At least it serves as a good reminder to just how personal hurt can be. Sooner or later the realization hits; this feeling must have been the goal in the first place... If not, why repeat the cycle? Why not make this time the last time?
Like the poet said: "time may change me, but I can't change time". She is a cruel companion, as relentless as love, as unforgiving as a lover scorned... We are supposed to learn her lessons, to grow, evolve. I was supposed to be better at this by now.
Tuesday, August 19
....
My moral compass is so far out of skew right now it is actually beyond amazing.
Damn.
Well, I suspect I may as well wish you well here, not that you will see it, and I do want you to know that in my own twisted way, I hope you are well, and hope that you find one who knows your worth.
‘
Damn.
Well, I suspect I may as well wish you well here, not that you will see it, and I do want you to know that in my own twisted way, I hope you are well, and hope that you find one who knows your worth.
‘
Monday, August 18
Shut.
terminally unsure how it’s missed,
the sign on the wall.
a scent in the air.
midnight has fallen uncountered
head turned in a moment
on visions edge a light dancing free
wholly without substance
consuming all space
nothing left unsaid
explanations fleeting
mouth drawing dead air
hollow words falling without ears
the sign on the wall.
a scent in the air.
midnight has fallen uncountered
head turned in a moment
on visions edge a light dancing free
wholly without substance
consuming all space
nothing left unsaid
explanations fleeting
mouth drawing dead air
hollow words falling without ears
Sunday, August 17
All that Diamond ecard Hoo Ha, baby!
Alright, lest I come off as a bit to serious and gloomy... I have a confession to make.
It is 1:31AM and I am on the back patio,its 64 degrees, the new Supergrass album is jamming on my ipod, All I can say is.... pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.
Also, I got tipped off to a killer ecard site, excellent stuff!
http://www.someecards.com
It is 1:31AM and I am on the back patio,its 64 degrees, the new Supergrass album is jamming on my ipod, All I can say is.... pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.
Also, I got tipped off to a killer ecard site, excellent stuff!
http://www.someecards.com
Vicodin & Crutches (or, the treachery of the human heart)
About 10 years ago, I shattered my right wrist just above my hand. I was pretending to be a carpenter and fell about 18 feet off of a roof, woke up laying on the ground with my right hand on my right elbow…. Not one of my better moments. Eventually, after a surgery and some pretty intensive rehab I got my hand back, but before that, I learned what the term “vicodin vacation” means. Pill in, Pain gone; and not just the physical pain either. I can’t remember about 5 weeks of that autumn.
For me, dropping the vicodin was pretty easy. Took a couple days, and I weaned myself off. If the other painkillers I am addicted to were as simple life would indeed be an easy place.
But they aren’t.
We all have them in life, some more than others... Our heart knows what we need, acceptance, peace... love. Honesty. If we deny ourselves that, lying to ourselves to get by, it is only a matter of time until our hearts take over, looking for something, anything to fill the gap…Once it finds it, we are like junkies… disregarding the warnings in our heads, our heart latches onto it, and it gets us through.... trading a small piece of our soul for some peace that we know can’t last. With any luck it all falls apart before the real damage happens, when eventually we wake up and see we have traded too much; the numbness itself feels normal... We try and pull up; to go back, to somehow forget... and so the cycle repeats itself as we search for something to numb the carnage of the last painkiller…. to quote Thom Yorke, “all your insides torn to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love.”
I suppose that this would be the part of the post where I give the eloquent solution, if I had one. All I can really say is that if you are early on in the journey, Try and listen to that small voice that says “maybe I shouldn’t do this”. Skip the memory, avoid the grief. If you are like me, it’s a bit late for that… all that is left is to either stare down your hypocrisy and force a correction, or maintain the cycle. Still unsure which path I am on.
For me, dropping the vicodin was pretty easy. Took a couple days, and I weaned myself off. If the other painkillers I am addicted to were as simple life would indeed be an easy place.
But they aren’t.
We all have them in life, some more than others... Our heart knows what we need, acceptance, peace... love. Honesty. If we deny ourselves that, lying to ourselves to get by, it is only a matter of time until our hearts take over, looking for something, anything to fill the gap…Once it finds it, we are like junkies… disregarding the warnings in our heads, our heart latches onto it, and it gets us through.... trading a small piece of our soul for some peace that we know can’t last. With any luck it all falls apart before the real damage happens, when eventually we wake up and see we have traded too much; the numbness itself feels normal... We try and pull up; to go back, to somehow forget... and so the cycle repeats itself as we search for something to numb the carnage of the last painkiller…. to quote Thom Yorke, “all your insides torn to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love.”
I suppose that this would be the part of the post where I give the eloquent solution, if I had one. All I can really say is that if you are early on in the journey, Try and listen to that small voice that says “maybe I shouldn’t do this”. Skip the memory, avoid the grief. If you are like me, it’s a bit late for that… all that is left is to either stare down your hypocrisy and force a correction, or maintain the cycle. Still unsure which path I am on.
Tuesday, August 12
Tuesday's Gone.
Waiting.
And more waiting.
Tech Support phone calls suck.
It seems I spend a lot of time these days waiting for things to happen, instead of initiating.... I do well putting up a front of being in control, but eventually the sickening reassurance of it takes over. There are two kinds of fear - one relates to terror, the other respect; there is a line that separates the two, I really don't know which I prefer to run two, but I do know the strange comfort it provides, regardless how we feel about it. Sometimes the fear of the unknown coming to light is just too powerful. My inner dark is like a car wreck on the freeway for me… I really don’t want to look but I have to. I am too dammed curious to leave well enough alone, if you are one of those who have been able to experience my sadomasochistic search for the why you know what I mean. I am the guy who needs to break something just so he knows where the limit was, and so I can understand the pain of its loss. It isn’t an easy thing to be with, and not many manage. (Defense mechanism anyone?) Luckily for the relationships I cherish, I do a solid job of hiding the "ugly" bits; at least that is what my denial tells me.
Perhaps that is why I am here; have to let the monster out somewhere.
I half-jokingly think I am ready to plan my mid-life crisis, but the reality of it is that I can’t imagine trying to go back to being young. Sure things were easier, but I can’t imagine losing the experiences of the last 15 years just to feel “young” again… even the bad ones. I am the summation of my life… good, bad, even the hidden all have created this … well… they add up to what I am. Don’t get me wrong, I remember being a teenager. I didn’t know what stress was, what responsibility was, but I thought I did. Back then losing sleep meant you were tied up in knots over some girl and if she was going to call back, or getting sent into a panic because some jag off started spreading rumors. High stress situations were wondering if I could get tickets to a show, or if we were going to come up with spare cash for gas and pharmaceuticals. There was an innocence to it all, a simplicity that I couldn’t see through my teen-angst. And really, what did I even have to be so pissed off about? Yet another white middle class kid with a shaved head… misunderstood in my own misunderstanding. Fred Savage never had it so good.
Hey, they finally answered… back to work!
And more waiting.
Tech Support phone calls suck.
It seems I spend a lot of time these days waiting for things to happen, instead of initiating.... I do well putting up a front of being in control, but eventually the sickening reassurance of it takes over. There are two kinds of fear - one relates to terror, the other respect; there is a line that separates the two, I really don't know which I prefer to run two, but I do know the strange comfort it provides, regardless how we feel about it. Sometimes the fear of the unknown coming to light is just too powerful. My inner dark is like a car wreck on the freeway for me… I really don’t want to look but I have to. I am too dammed curious to leave well enough alone, if you are one of those who have been able to experience my sadomasochistic search for the why you know what I mean. I am the guy who needs to break something just so he knows where the limit was, and so I can understand the pain of its loss. It isn’t an easy thing to be with, and not many manage. (Defense mechanism anyone?) Luckily for the relationships I cherish, I do a solid job of hiding the "ugly" bits; at least that is what my denial tells me.
Perhaps that is why I am here; have to let the monster out somewhere.
I half-jokingly think I am ready to plan my mid-life crisis, but the reality of it is that I can’t imagine trying to go back to being young. Sure things were easier, but I can’t imagine losing the experiences of the last 15 years just to feel “young” again… even the bad ones. I am the summation of my life… good, bad, even the hidden all have created this … well… they add up to what I am. Don’t get me wrong, I remember being a teenager. I didn’t know what stress was, what responsibility was, but I thought I did. Back then losing sleep meant you were tied up in knots over some girl and if she was going to call back, or getting sent into a panic because some jag off started spreading rumors. High stress situations were wondering if I could get tickets to a show, or if we were going to come up with spare cash for gas and pharmaceuticals. There was an innocence to it all, a simplicity that I couldn’t see through my teen-angst. And really, what did I even have to be so pissed off about? Yet another white middle class kid with a shaved head… misunderstood in my own misunderstanding. Fred Savage never had it so good.
Hey, they finally answered… back to work!
Sunday, August 10
the big "O"
OK, so i get that it is an amazing accomplishment, and I do enjoy the Olympics... but I realized tonight that i really could care less about any swimming pool that doesn't include a lazy river and a mohito..
I mean really...
I mean really...
Just a song i wrote in HS... I really really thought i was DEEP ~ whatever.
questions last for answers past
like songs ringing in an empty hall
lyrics lost, the tune trapped in the back of your head
like the name of a long lost friend
left hanging on the tip of your tongue
meeting like a spark in an alley of gasoline
burning Hot, Fast
burning Lean
time won’t wait for logic, will we scar or will we heal?
what is this if it isnt’t real?
your dream wakes you up with technicolor memories
I’m back; you remember my touch on your skin
but in the morning its gone
it’s gone.
and only he can call your name.
a mind’s a terrible thing to taste
tear your soul open, leave it to waste
denial makes for a two faced friend
and in the dark it draws you in
the warmth of pain is sickening
meeting like a spark in an alley of gasoline
burning Hot, Fast
burning Lean
time wouldn’t wait for longing, we've got scars that will not heal?
what was this if it wasn’t real?
like songs ringing in an empty hall
lyrics lost, the tune trapped in the back of your head
like the name of a long lost friend
left hanging on the tip of your tongue
meeting like a spark in an alley of gasoline
burning Hot, Fast
burning Lean
time won’t wait for logic, will we scar or will we heal?
what is this if it isnt’t real?
your dream wakes you up with technicolor memories
I’m back; you remember my touch on your skin
but in the morning its gone
it’s gone.
and only he can call your name.
a mind’s a terrible thing to taste
tear your soul open, leave it to waste
denial makes for a two faced friend
and in the dark it draws you in
the warmth of pain is sickening
meeting like a spark in an alley of gasoline
burning Hot, Fast
burning Lean
time wouldn’t wait for longing, we've got scars that will not heal?
what was this if it wasn’t real?
Hysteresis 101
Ok, I am yet another thirty something guy who, over a coffee and an omelet this morning, decided to start a blog…. Not sure what it is exactly that I think I have to offer, it is more a place to vent what rolls around in this head of mine to be honest; ramblings, poetry, opinions that are better left unsaid, politics…could end up being whatever was on the back of the cereal box that morning. Maybe you will find something here that you relate to, maybe you will just get a chuckle out of my thought process and “substantially less-than-stellar” grammatical skills; either way thanks for reading, and feel free to add a comment… anyway, I suppose it is time to step out of the silent planet ~
“A system with hysteresis can be summarized as a system that may be in any number of states, independent of the inputs to the system. ..... If the system has hysteresis, we can't predict the output without looking at the history of the input. In order to predict the output, we must look at the path that the input followed before it reached its current value." - Wikipedia
Now, that may not mean much to anyone else, but to me it defines a major process in my life… looking backwards to start seeing forward. We are the sum of what was, and whatever we do with that result is what determines what we will be. The goal would be to actually learn from the glance over the shoulder, to find the bit that lets us stop repeating whatever it is we can’t seem to let go of. If you are overly optimistic, it would help you continue to dance along merrily through the wildflowers is suppose. If that happens, feel free to enlighten the rest of us J
“A system with hysteresis can be summarized as a system that may be in any number of states, independent of the inputs to the system. ..... If the system has hysteresis, we can't predict the output without looking at the history of the input. In order to predict the output, we must look at the path that the input followed before it reached its current value." - Wikipedia
Now, that may not mean much to anyone else, but to me it defines a major process in my life… looking backwards to start seeing forward. We are the sum of what was, and whatever we do with that result is what determines what we will be. The goal would be to actually learn from the glance over the shoulder, to find the bit that lets us stop repeating whatever it is we can’t seem to let go of. If you are overly optimistic, it would help you continue to dance along merrily through the wildflowers is suppose. If that happens, feel free to enlighten the rest of us J
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