Tuesday's Gone.

Waiting.
And more waiting.
Tech Support phone calls suck.

It seems I spend a lot of time these days waiting for things to happen, instead of initiating.... I do well putting up a front of being in control, but eventually the sickening reassurance of it takes over. There are two kinds of fear - one relates to terror, the other respect; there is a line that separates the two, I really don't know which I prefer to run two, but I do know the strange comfort it provides, regardless how we feel about it. Sometimes the fear of the unknown coming to light is just too powerful. My inner dark is like a car wreck on the freeway for me… I really don’t want to look but I have to. I am too dammed curious to leave well enough alone, if you are one of those who have been able to experience my sadomasochistic search for the why you know what I mean. I am the guy who needs to break something just so he knows where the limit was, and so I can understand the pain of its loss. It isn’t an easy thing to be with, and not many manage. (Defense mechanism anyone?) Luckily for the relationships I cherish, I do a solid job of hiding the "ugly" bits; at least that is what my denial tells me.

Perhaps that is why I am here; have to let the monster out somewhere.

I half-jokingly think I am ready to plan my mid-life crisis, but the reality of it is that I can’t imagine trying to go back to being young. Sure things were easier, but I can’t imagine losing the experiences of the last 15 years just to feel “young” again… even the bad ones. I am the summation of my life… good, bad, even the hidden all have created this … well… they add up to what I am. Don’t get me wrong, I remember being a teenager. I didn’t know what stress was, what responsibility was, but I thought I did. Back then losing sleep meant you were tied up in knots over some girl and if she was going to call back, or getting sent into a panic because some jag off started spreading rumors. High stress situations were wondering if I could get tickets to a show, or if we were going to come up with spare cash for gas and pharmaceuticals. There was an innocence to it all, a simplicity that I couldn’t see through my teen-angst. And really, what did I even have to be so pissed off about? Yet another white middle class kid with a shaved head… misunderstood in my own misunderstanding. Fred Savage never had it so good.


Hey, they finally answered… back to work!