Sunday

Catharsis ~ A Greek word meaning "purification", "cleansing" or "clarification." It is derived from the infinitive ancient Greek: καθαίρειν transliterated as "kathairein" - "to purify, purge," and adjective "pure or clean."

-Wikipedia

It’s been fourteen weeks since the day I made my first post; seems more like a lifetime ago though. I was not kidding when I said that I really had no idea what I had to offer. I am also a bit amazed that any of you take to time to read it… grateful, but amazed. When I sat in my living room on that Sunday morning it was on a lark - Where I sit this Sunday, with another omelet and coffee, it has become an outlet that I am not sure I could do without these days, it has let me to be honest with myself more than I have in the last 7-8 years, and although there is plenty of “sludge” to sift through, its starting to help me catch glimpses of who I want to be when I look in the mirror. Oddly enough the fact that I know you all read this blog forces me to be as honest as I can, for more than I would be in private; I feel that if you are willing to take the time, I owe it to you and to myself. Well, that’s enough nostalgia…..

The countdown to the court date is in full swing here, and the concept of amicable is fading fast. She think is finally starting to realize the position she has put herself in. I just want out; I want to go back to having a home that I don’t feel awkward in. I want the space to let this pain happen and feel…, well just feel. Last Thursday was an interesting day here as things are getting pretty heated and after a couple crap interactions with my STBEW’s (soon to be ex-wife) father and with her I started to think back on this relationship and how incredibly unhealthy it was/is. It is pretty easy to see it in someone else’s life, the signs are there. In your own life its not that simple. Once you make the commitment to being with someone you want to think you made the right choices so you start to think their view of you is right, and then you start to shut down. When that happens you just, well you start dying a little at a time, and you start to become the person they see you as. It almost like you trap yourself in there, you give up trying to make things better, choosing to simply exist rather than live. As I have said before, denial is both a powerful ally and an arch nemesis; it is never a friend. But back to Thursday … After dealing with all the external crap I was driving back from work and all of what I have fought to have a handle on for the last weeks came knocking,… I lost it. Sobbing to the point where I had to pull over literally wracked in physical pain. I let go of more in that 10 min in the rain than I knew I was carrying around, for the first time since this mess started I let myself I decided it was time to let the pain cover me and do its work. My God did that help.

“Something in me, dark and sticky
All the time its getting strong
No way of dealing with this feeling
Cant go on like this too long
This time you’ve gone too far
I told you
This time you’ve gone too far

I told you
Don’t talk back
Just drive the car
Shut your mouth
I know what you are
Don’t say nothing
Keep your hands on the wheel
Don’t turn around
This is for real
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me, I need support
I’m digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
The more I look, the more I find
As I close on in, I get so blind
I feel it in my head, I feel it in my toes
I feel it in my sex, that’s the place it goes
I’m digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I’m digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
To open up the places I got hurt
Digging in the dirt
To find the places we got hurt”

- Peter Gabriel