the Lust, the Flesh, the Eyes, and the Pride of Life

“Well, I feel
Like I have to feel
Something good all of the time
With most of life I cannot deal
But a good feeling I can feel
Even though it may not be real
And if a person, place or thing can deliver
I will quiver with delight
But will it last me for all my life
Or just one more lonely night

The lust, the flesh
The eyes
And the pride of life
Drain the life
Right out of me”
-Michael Roe


Alright, I have pushed this off for far too long. Life came calling in a big way these last couple weeks and frankly, I use this place mostly as a way to vent my thoughts, and there are a lot of things that I would rather not think about…

All of the upheaval in my life right now is certainly serving to bring up some questions. It has forced me to look at things that I had long since buried and left for dead; it was surprising indeed to find some of them alive and festering. Now, know this about me, I am by no means a subscriber or believer of pop-psychology. There are few things more difficult to me than hearing someone talk about ‘finding themselves” and such. It’s hard for me to come to grips with the fact that I have let too much of what I was cease being what I am; leaving me with a person I basely recognize staring at me when I shave. Regression displacing Evolution. I do not look at this as an excuse for anything; I am no victim in all this. Eventually we all answer for the compromises we make to get through the day… they can’t stay in the box forever. This is where I live. I am trying like all hell right now to find a piece of me that feels… well, that feels real... that feels honest. The thing about that sort of search is that you can’t just go rooting around in your psyche and grab only the thing you want to find… there is no Dewey decimal system no map; not for me anyway. It’s a freaking mess in there… you just have to reach you arm in blind and pull out whatever you contact first, hoping not to get bit in the process.

Good Times.

I have held up a pretty good front through all this (well, in my own head anyway, those who know me would most likely say otherwise), but that is starting to fail. I catch myself thinking too much, un-bottling things that need to stay put for a while longer; I just can’t get into the emotions of all this while I am trying to figure out the logistics. I just can’t let those things out of the box... not if I can help it. The simple fact is that this is leaving a tear in my heart that you could drive a Mack truck through… Not so much the failure of our relationship; that has been coming for a long time (I would venture to say it was here long before I realized it.). Just the finality of it all… it is no small thing to see 11 years of your life get flushed, all the time knowing that simply pressing “reset” isn’t an option; I need to find a way to live life, separate from the one I thought I was growing old with, and maintain a career and a relationship with my children…. The thought of all of that is why the lyric above fits so well for me, things have been fucked up for so long that there are times I just want to be at peace. Like a junkie I yearn for it, and like a junkie I will do whatever it takes to get it….. (If you read my post “Vicodin and Crutches” you will understand what I mean by all that.).

I am not sure (as per usual) what all this leads to. I am walking a bit blind to be honest, just trying to hold the pace and keep as straight a line as I can in the dark. I know the complete son-of-a-bitch I am at a base level, but I have also known grace, and seen the two co-exist. I remember what it was to have a conscience clear ... to not have to think about the wolf at the door, or the painkilers in the drawer… back when my skin was comfortable and I slept without medication. I know there is life there. And I know that I left at least a piece of it in the tangled mess that is my mind…. somewhere…..
it's probably next to my dammed car keys.