there goes the bride

Well, the papers were filed last Friday, on to the fun bits….


Ironically I have been to two weddings this year. I realize that that is not really a high number per-se, but I honestly can’t remember the last one I attended. It is, therefore even more of an odd thing to be here (yes, I am working at a wedding rehearsal the very evening we filed for divorce), watching them prepare, and remembering my own wedding. That this is surreal is an understatement…. More like an out-of-body experience. I can see now how naive I was then… ignorant of what it was we were doing. It makes me curious to know what this couple’s expectations are. On one hand it is very easy to envy their position, young, in love, committing to forever be one. No one knows what will actually come of it, but today is not for thinking about that, today I will enjoy the thought that they will grow old together, watch their children find their way… pathetically romantic I know, but I am at a fucking wedding as a marriage begins, and feeling one end; I can be as delusional as I like.

Marriage is unquestionably the hardest thing I have ever done. As much as there are good times, there is also the constant struggle to find a way to move forward. Granted I am not the most objective voice on the matter; God knows that jaded doesn’t really do my perspective any real justice right now. I wrote in an earlier post about getting off of my “painkillers”, about letting myself feel my way through this.

That seemed like a good idea at the time.

The reality is that this hurts. It hurts like hell. It’s a very bizarre feeling to be in this much pain over the ending of a relationship that has for all intensive purposes been over for a long time, but that spanned more than a third of my life. The finality of it is a carefully drawn two-edged sword; delivering both relief and misery. Having closure to our dissatisfaction is relieving for sure… spending 15 min convincing my son that I am not disappearing in the next five min is another sensation entirely. Having to look at all of my children and know that I in a pretty short amount of time I won’t be coming home to them, I won’t be there to put them back in bed when its stormy -that is misery worthy of Mr. Poe.