Scar Tissue

I have been torn the last few days, torn between what I think and what I feel. I am not sure how to even express in words what the sensation of that is like; I fell anxious, nervous, ... pensive. Granted, this had been somewhat normal these last weeks, but there is an intensity that is unique, like there are choices to be made, and I am unprepared to make them. I understand more than I have in a long time what I want; I am starting to see the pieces that are missing.

It is a hard thing to actually feel again… for so long I left things bottled up… there was just so much that I didn’t want to deal with, too many things that I didn’t have the strength to face. It just seemed easier to shut down and tell myself I would deal with it all later… then days turned to weeks, and then months... and here I am; fighting to get my life back.

I really don’t know what this all means exactly. I wish I had an answer, that I could make sense of things better. Maybe none of that matters… perhaps I am just being me and over thinking things… I do know that in many ways she amazes me. The way my heart stops beating when I see her, the way my breath catches in my throat at the sound of her voice; nothing has made me feel like that in a long time. Too long. I want to forget about everything and give this a real shot; to find out what if there is anything here, but I am in no shape for that. I need time ... there is too much to be put into order and away from the chaos. I need to remind my self to remember what love is before I try again to love anyone, even myself. Not trying to understand it… that would be futile, but to know its voice, and remember how its hand felt in mine.

Faith and hope are moments away, but the greatest of three eludes me.

”Love will you sail across the water,
and lay your wisdom down?
and love will you sail across the water,
and tell us what you found?
and love will you sail across the water,
and hold us when we drown?”

-Jane Sibbery