OK… so I am looking for a place to live.
Not just sleep, but actually start a life over.
Well, sort of.
Not really starting anything new at this point, just adding a shot of reality to what has been here a long time; hidden for the most part, but here nonetheless. Feels like being exposed for the first time, having a chance to not pretend what I am the second I walk in the door. I am waiting for that, wound tight as a spring, hesitating to fell the relief too early. It seems too dangerous to let myself think its actually happening before I am out…. Too many times I have watched something I have planned and hoped for dissolve, finding that the light was indeed a train. I don’t think I would survive that this time around. No, I think I’ll hold off the relief until it arrives knocking, or better yet, till it breaks down the dammed door. That’s pretty much the attitude I am taking towards most things as of late actually; I am really trying not to look forward to very much. I know that may sound a bit defeatist, but the reality is, things tend to not work out the way I would hope as of late (not merely the end of my marriage….), and I would rather not have the letdown. Well, there are a few things I am counting on; things I can’t dismiss… but even they are far from certain. Not that very many things in life are certain, are they?
Alright, this diatribe is just depressing. Everyone take a break and look at some fuzzy bunnies or something. Maybe do a Google image search for Flemish Giant rabbits and realize that you want one.
Christmas came into my head a few minutes ago, not the commercialized horseshit of a holiday that gets slammed down our throats every fall, but the day, Christmas morning.There are few things in life that are better than watching your children streaming down the stairs to find what is under the tree, seeing them tear into the stockings with so much zeal it makes your heart skip. See the youngest of them looking with fascination at the cookie crumbs and empty glass of milk she left for Santa, and know that for this year at least, the magic lives on. I was never really much into Christmas before I had children. My immediate family and I are not super close, and Christmas wasn’t really surrounded by much hoopla as a kid. It was really just a holiday with perks. After I got married, I experienced CHRISTMAS, holy crow. I am not sure if you have seen “National Lampoons Christmas Vacation”, but that is the closest thing I have seen to Christmas at my in-laws. Pretty amazing, 45 people, tons of food, friends… it’s really a lot of fun. Add that to my kids running around all filled with wonder and it is pretty much as close to Norman Rockwell as I intend to get.
Well, that’s something I don’t need to “worry” about anymore.
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1 comment:
If there's going to be no cheer tonight, so be it. I try not to force myself to feel happy or positive when I'm really down in the dumps. I let myself be what I feel - there's no use pretending to be happy when I'm not - at least when I'm alone.
Christmas will come and go. It sure will be different for you now, but there's nothing you can do right now to change it. I like to worry about things only when the time comes. But that's just the procrastinator in me. I'm sure you'll make it through too. :)
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